Friday, 08 January 2010

  • those inconsiderate guys.

    So you and your boyfriend broke up recently, and you think everything is going fine. The two of you are still on friendly terms, you still talk, hang out, and at times still innocently flirt with one another. There are no hard feelings- until you find out he's been talking to another girl already. "What? We just broke up! I can't believe he's talking to another girl already!"

    Or let's say you broke up with the guy. He was desperately in love with you and didn't want to let you go, but you insisted. You told him that you didn't think the two of you would ever work out as a couple, but you still wanted to be friends. He is obviously hurt, but he agrees to it. Not too long later, you observe that he is moving on to another girl already. "Hmph! And he acted like he was so in love with me or something! Turns out he didn't really even care, if he can move on so quickly!"

    Lately I have been observing many breakups around me, and I seemed to hear many situations similar to the two above scenarios. I have finally realized that it’s true- guys do seem to “move on” to other girls quickly after a recent breakup, in my experience at least. But recently given this outside perspective, I’ve also realized that in the end, maybe guys aren’t really as terrible as we girls tend to view them. Sure, it’s a little inconsiderate that they would move on so quickly, but at the same time, who are we to want them not to move on? What right do we have, after breaking up? And the main question is, why? Why does it matter to us so much what they decide to do?

    First of all, I’d like to point out that with breaking up comes a certain sense of freedom. It seems unfair to me that while girls are encouraged by their girlfriends to go out and meet someone new after a breakup, it is also these girls that get upset at seeing their ex-boyfriends doing the same. It also surprises me to see girls who claim they want to be just friends with their ex-boyfriends, but yet become bitter at hearing that he's found someone new. Now, when a girl gets upset in this situation, it means either one of two things. Either the girl is not yet completely over the guy, or she is jealous that the guy is able to find someone new before she is able to. I can imagine many girls would protest to this comment, but let me tell you- I’ve been there, done that. And in the end, I believe this is just how it is.

    I remember a friend of mine once telling me that the reason why a guy tends to move on so quickly after a breakup is because he feels that there is this void that needs to be filled immediately, and because he doesn’t want to actually deal with the breakup, so he finds someone new to get his mind off of it. Essentially, it’s rebound. I wouldn’t exactly agree, but I don’t disagree either. It’s true that guys have a tendency to deal with things by not dealing with it, but at the same time, guys aren't just complete players either. The key point is freedom. Guys enjoy freedom, trying new things, experimenting. The guy could have loved you with all his heart during the relationship, but the fact is that the relationship is over now- he is free. And freedom allows new opportunities. Because he is now single and uncommitted, he no longer has the need to hold back with flirting, dating, and trying to find someone new. He may still love you, though many girls would beg to differ, but the fact is that you two are no longer in a committed relationship. Girls, you need to understand, no matter how he feels about you, he’s not yours anymore. And after he has accepted that, he will no longer try to be yours anymore. Whatever you two had going on before- it's over. So in that case, is it really wrong for him to try to find someone new? I don’t think it’s up to us to say.

    Now let’s come to the question, why? Why does it matter to us girls so much when an ex-boyfriend moves on quickly? Why do we feel so offended by it? First of all, I’d say because girls are more emotionally attached and care more about these kinds of things. Guys care too, of course, but it doesn’t affect them nearly as much as it does to us girls. Girls are naturally more sensitive and emotional. Secondly, I can imagine many girls would say that it’s because they feel like it says a lot about the guy, as well as about how much you and the relationship really meant to the guy. Now, I agree to an extent, but what exactly does it say? The fact is, people deal with things differently. I don't believe it's in anyone's place to tell someone else how they feel about something. Plus, here's a dating tip, get to know the guy very well before getting in a relationship with him. Lastly, I would say that girls are affected so much because they are afraid to get hurt. “Oh, if he’s so happy living his life without me then he doesn’t need me and I don’t need him.” Girls, who are you trying to fool? Of course you don’t need each other, but is that really the reason why you should distance yourself from one another? My theory is, if you two truly cared about each other and had a friendship going, you wouldn’t walk away from it so easily. But the reason why you do is either because there was no friendship in the first place, or because you’re afraid to get hurt. Perhaps afraid that you’ll get too close, afraid that things will be different, afraid that he won’t care for you the same, etc. And you know what? That’s okay if you’re not ready to be friends again yet. And if you don't like how he turned out to be, it's okay if you no longer want to be his friend. But then I would have to ask, is that really just the guy's fault, or could there be some blame to share? Are guys necessarily always the bad guys?

    So girls, before you decide to accuse the guy of being inconsiderate, insensitive, uncaring- just think about it. Guys might not be as terrible as we make them seem.